I understand Curling. That high.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
