So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
