Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
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