I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
