oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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