You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
