If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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