You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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