I puked a lego.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
