I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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