In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
