The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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