Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
