dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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