You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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