i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
