i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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