Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
