im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
