Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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