If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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