in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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