i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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