last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
