i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
