Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
