is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
