I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
