If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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