There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
