is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
