matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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