a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
