Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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