Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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