I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
