I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
