I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
