You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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