Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
