i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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