Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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