THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
