I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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