I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
