Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have fence marks all over my body
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just gargled with NyQuil
Success! We fucked roommates!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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