My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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