Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
