My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
