U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
