I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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