I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
