Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You pole danced in your parka.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
