it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
