Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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